Thursday, 10 November 2011

July 21, 1640

This is what happened on the 21st of July, in the early 40s. By early, it refers to the 15th Century. (AD, of course)

Two franchises, namely the Medieval Nail Cutters and the Facial Hair XI, wanted to show each other who the real boss was, so the decided to have a friendly cricket match. Of course, since the trend back then was obviously things like Bull Fighting, Gladiator Circuses and Chariot Racing, which didn't last very long, I presume, it was decided that a Twenty-over-a-side match would be played. But recent evidences state that T20 is not very old, but I'm pretty sure this one happened as mentioned.

In the pre-match press conference, the MNC captain, Charles, said boldly,"Ye FHXI are complete unicorns! Of what they have accomplished over ye past hither, they will not be forgiven. This time, by her majesty's beards, they are going to ye ditch-waters. Mark me word."
To his reply, the KHXI captain, Charles (yes, Charles again), said,"Thee mustn't insult our team. We have got a rebuilt batting line up. Ganymede is going to make way for Oliver. We have had enough of him, Ganymede. Oliver's 60 years of experience will prove to be more useful than Ganymede's pinch-hitting abilities. We have also given up on our medium pacers. We have now auctioned (at a cap price of $50 Billion) for fresh fast bowlers, all aged between 40 and 45, ye perfect time for youth to showcase their talent, on a village stage. Ye perfect blend of youth, an' experience."
To which Charles (MNC), quickly replies, "Let's see you prove that on ye cricket pitch."

The match begins. (Cricinfo Style)

Toss, MNC who chose to bat.
Umpires: Daryl Harper and Francis Du Preez.
Venue: Duke's Cricket Ground, Old London.
DRS: Only hotspot, no hawk-eye, as usual.

Playing XI:
Adam, Tendulkar, Charles (wk) (c), Fred, Pattinson, Pope Johan XX, Lionel, Lampson, Smith, Potter, Thomas.
Peter, Alden, Goshua, Ronald, Dennis, Julius, Jacques, Pope Johan XXI, Charles (c), Baxter, Egbert.

1st Innings
2.1 Baxter to Tendulkar, OUT, The fast in swinging yorker does the trick. Tendulkar, goes after scoring 3 runs. Inexperienced man, but the selectors realised his potential and picked him. Today, nobody regrets it. Besides, he was only minus three hundred and thirty four years old.
Score is now 7/1 in 2.1 overs (RR ~3.4)
3.4 Egbert to Charles, FOUR WIDES, the bowler completely screws in up and bowls a ball that goes over the batsman's and the wicket keeper's head. The bowler being an off spinner, this was not completely expected.
Score: 13/1 in 3.4 overs (RR 3.8)
5th Over Maiden over that.
Score: 15/1 from 5.0 overs (RR 3.0)
6.1,6.2,6.3 HAT-TRICK from Charles. Lets call it the Captain's knock.
Score 17/4 in 6.3 overs (RR 2.6)
The rest of the over goes runless.
Rain has arrived. Match reduced to 7 overs a side.
Top scorer: Adam, 8 not out.
Best Bowling: Charles 3-3.
FHXI need 18 to win from 7 overs.

2nd Innings
An umbrella field of 4 slips and 3 gullies.
0.4 Thomas to Alden, 1 run, square cut, hit the umpire (Daryl Harper), who fainted and had to be taken to the hospital.
Score 3/0 after one over. (RR 3.0)
1.1 Lampson to Peter, no run, beautiful bouncer there, well left.
1.2 Lampson to Peter, FOUR, Slightly full and nicely pulled. Lampson seems angry. O, and we see some verbal, 15th century style.
1.3 Lampson to Peter, OUT, Lampson gets his revenge. Sweet. Based on lipreading, he might have shouted 'Patagonian p*tticoat', 'nic*mpoop', 'sauc*ge' and 'Troj*n'
Score 9/1 after 2 overs. (RR 4.5)
Need 9 from 5 overs.
2.2 Lionel to Ronald, driven to Pope Johan XX at long off, who promptly misfields it and lets it go for four. And you are not allowed to question the parish. You will be executed in the right areas.
FHXI need just another 5 more runs to win.
4.5 Pattinson to Julius, an edge down to third man for a single.
5.2 Smith to Julius, a leg bye.
KHXI need 3 more buns to win.
Oops, it's rain again and the match has been called off with MNC winning by Duckworth-Lewis.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Controversially Vaughan's

Mixture of Shoaib Akhtar's Controversially Yours and
Michael Vaughan's Vaseline reference.
I am just getting sick of writing about the Champion's league. So, I've decided that I will never do it again until I get sponsorships from viable sources.

Meanwhile, the India-England ODIs have started out with not one, but FOUR absolutely convincing victories. Besides, it's all because Dhoni finally got to meet his astrologer.

Also, a few days ago, I sent Michael Vaughan (Yes, Michael Vaughan) a picture, and guess what? He shared it with all his followers!

Now I am Famous!!

Pakistani Cricket news now, Shahid Afridi has once again announced his comeback from retirement. For the Ump-Teenth time.

Virat Kohli is again trying too hard to be as consistent (in batting) as a military general (in his bathroom habits).

If you are getting bored of conventional commentary on TV, tune into Pitch Invasion, an online cricket show where almost anything goes. 

Monday, 3 October 2011

Champions League (Week 1 & 2)

As mentioned earlier, I had promised to make a bi-weekly report about the Champions League. This is it.

Six teams participated and only three were allowed to qualify. Not fair. All six teams must have been given equal opportunity.
But real pity was felt when Auckland Aces missed out. Both their games were tight ones which needed good finishers. Auckland, didn't quite have the potential but their bowling was excellent. Ruhunu and Leicestershire were also shown the 'No Parking' sign. The teams that eventually qualified are: KKR, T&T and of course Somerset.

Monday, 19 September 2011

What Champion's League? Really?

There are a few people in this world who claim that a certain 'Champion's League' is currently under progress. I had never heard about it until then. There's just too much cricket these days. Someone like me just can't keep track of it. But what now I accepted an offer to be giving bi-weekly updates for the dim blokes who can't afford to watch the tournament themselves. If you seem to be one of those people, then you might as well hold on to this blog link like the way you hold your teddy bear when you go to bed. Your cheeks are red, aren't they? Besides, I am not the kind who would easily let slip some serious bucks. (not for me, for the CLT20 players).

So here is the official pseudo team by team analysis of the top all the contenders for the coveted trophy.

Chennai Super Kings. Where else to start from the defending champions? Well, for a start, their captain. MSD has just come out of an aftermath of a deadly England series and a tongue injury. He might prove to be the key man (only beside N Srini) to sculpt another defeat (that word has been removed on the advice of one of N Srini's subordinates who claimed that the word 'defeat' was not in his boss' dictionary) win.
Key bloopers: Ashwin, Raina and probably Bollinger.

Trinidad & Tobago: Favorites for any West Indian patriotic person. Captained by the formidable Darren Ganga who took them home (nearly) in '09. I'd like to see them make it large.
Key bloopers: Dinesh Ramdin, Ravi Rampaul and Keiron Pollard (whose absence will be filthily felt).

Somerset: They look a good team, don't they? England county cricket has always been fascinating to me. They were unfortunate to miss out last year. What else is there to say? They haven't qualified yet, but I'm sure they will.
Key bloopers: Wait, there's lots that I've missed. Murali Kartik is eyeing an India comeback. (Has he retired already?)(If yes, there might be a certain 'Afridi' element in him). Kieswetter, Thomas and van der Merwe might prove useful. Again, Keiron Pollard's absence will be felt.

Cape Cobras: I like this team a lot. But I am still sure that they will prove to be the replicates of the players who represent the country that they represent. By making priceless exits during the crucial knock-out stages. With Gibbs past his prime, they might have unlocked an X-factor (by dropping him and playing Justin Ontong instead). Besides, any purist would like Steyn hurling some at 145 k's.
Key bloopers: JP Duminy, Langeveldt and Steyn. (Keiron Pollard's absence will still be felt)(though he isn't/wasn't part of the squad)

Mumbai Indians: Sachin got injured, didn't he? That's enough for Mumbai to bag the wooden spoon. Injuries from Rohit Sharma and Harbhajan Singh also follow logically. The men in blue require match-winning performances from the youngsters and Ambani Jr.
Key bloopers: Lasith Malinga, Ambati Rayudu and Munaf Patel. Fortunately, Keiron Pollard's absence will not be felt. However, the absence of his match-winning abilities will be felt.

South Australia: The Redbacks are awesome. I personally really like them. Their ability to play Twenty20 will definitely be their biggest asset for this tournament. The speed demon (or the extras demon), as he is popularly referred to by his contemporaries might have a career changing tour. He probably won't. I don't know, I'm not an astrologer.
Key bloopers: Daniel Christian, Klinger and Tait himself. Not to mention, No Pollard this time around.

Royal Challengers: Vettori is too over-reliant on the salient services of Sir Chris Gayle. He single-handedly double-handedly almost won us the IPL. I'm a Bangalorean. Go RCB! The men in red and gold (and sometimes even green and blue) are top contenders if all their players play well. That is, however, a basic criterion for any champion.
Key bloopers: de Villiars, Dilshan's Pallu Scoop and Zaheer Khan Virat Kohli.

Liecestershire Foxes: Surprisingly enough, their qualification has blessed them and all their players.
Key bloopers: Razzaq, Hoggard and McDonald. (Don't tempt me to eat [at] you[r place], McDonald)

Auckland Aces: They dropped Martin Crowe. They aught to have a devastating attack if they can afford to make such a move. But they really have to fight the odds if they want to win something.
Key bloopers: Hopkins, Kyle Mills and Guptill.

New South Wales Blues: They came out of the blues in the inaugural season and they might do it again. Shane Watson looks polished.
Key bloopers: Hauritz, Steven Smith and Watson.

Warriors: A nice team. The warriors have had a good season so far, all they have to do is unleash their talent and they will succeed.
Key bloopers: Botha, Boucher and Tsotsobe.

Ruhuna and Kolkota Knight Riders: Well, lets just say that every tournament needs minnows.

Hope you enjoyed it.
You can also follow me on twitter as @3rdUmp.

Friday, 9 September 2011

India Injured XI

The England v India series cannot be called a delight by an average Indian cricket fan, because they have been losing every single match played till now. (I have written this before the 3rd ODI at The Oval, and you can't be too sure of  India emerging triumphant.) The only one to blame is definitely Jonathan Trott. Reason: It's obvious that he is the one to blame for anything in the universe that goes wrong. Even The Chuck-Fleetwood Smiths would agree.

Moving on, we cannot ignore the fact that some of key players are injured. Ok, not some, lots. In fact, we can make an entire team of Injured player from the Eng v India 2011 tour. Here it is.

Virendar Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir: India's best ever opening pair. Best, at getting injured. Sehwag has been suffering since the IPL and Gautam got a blow on his head, while attempting a catch.
Sachin Tendulkar: I mentioned him in my last blog, and I'm mentioning it again. He's on a hat-trick! He's also on a diet to cure himself of toe-swelling.
Rohit Sharma again misses a golden opportunity for playing for his country by breaking his finger. He will fly back saying that he went to England to defend the ball. Just once.
Yuvraj Singh has hit the jackpot with some injury which I fail to remember.
MS Dhoni (C)(WK) just bit his tongue and is declared unfit for the next 30 seconds.
Chateshwar Pujara handily avoids the trouble of visiting England by going to the hospital for a surgery.
Harbhajan Singh has stretched his upper abdomen a bit and want's to see his mommy back in Punjab.
Zaheer Khan asked his astrologer how he would fare at Lord's. The astrologer, without the slightest of clues, insisted that Zac must return to India before Day 4 of the Lord's Test. Or else he would be killed. Zaheer niftily faked a Hamstring and returned home.
Ishant Sharma: the tips of his hair got injured. And probably his arm.
Ashish Nehra took a brave decision, by deciding to get injured, prior to the tour. Intelligent foresight.\

What a well equipped team it looks, doesn't it?

In the meantime, a brand new league called  Z Premier League (ZPL) has been started and I am their Exclusive press person. No match will be telecast and no news channel/paper will it feature in. All of this because they want to show N Srinivasan, what 'Low Budget' actually means. So, as I am their representative, the Eight Teams who will be playing for the ultimate prize - which is a donut.

  1. South Sudanian Sledgehammers (SSS)
  2. Peruvian Polo-snatchers (PPS)
  3. Mighty XI Qatar (MXIQ)
  4. Western Warlocks (WW)
  5. Martian Octopuses (MO)
  6. Cashew-nut Cannibals (CNC)
  7. Tibetian Jack Screws (TJS)          and
  8. Victorious Misers (VM)
I will be giving you all the updates. Keep Following.

You can also Follow me on Twitter: @3rdUmp
and you can Like our Facebook page.


Friday, 12 August 2011

Speaking of Vaseline... are some other cricketing diseases that may be ranked next to the overshadowed-by-Ian-Bell-run-out Laxman-Broad-Vaughan Vaseline controversy.

  1. Ravi Shastri helmet incident: Well, not many know of this. (Probably not even Shastri himself. Ravi Shastri was caught going toward the crease, wearing his helmet reverse. i.e. The grill portion was behind him and his eyes were blocked. In the same match, he hit 6-sixes and the helmet story was overshadowed. He allegedly hit those sixes, wearing the helmet as described. Please do not over-rule the fact that his wingspan was greater than the circumference of the boundary line. Big guy.
  2. Dennis Lillee and his aluminium bat: We all know about that...No need for explanation.
  3. Damien Martyn and his banned haircut: Good times. Well, this guy got a funny haircut and the ICC banned it. Maybe next in the line should be Malinga. No wait - his ludacris hair is a necessity for tormenting the batsman.
  4. Alvin Kallicharan and his stuffed duckling: This was not a real duckling. It was a stuffed doll. He once put it in his pocket as a superstition and it looked like his thigh had swollen and he was forced to retire hurt. Then he revealed that it was a stuffed toy and had to abandon such ideas for the rest of his career*.
  5. Pun out!: Michael Beer was once dismissed pun out (not run out) because of his last name.
The bracket opened in point 1. has not been closed yet. ) Now it has.
*- Career here means Test Career. This is because AK used a stuffed duck in his highly successful bungee-jumping-instructor career. The duck acted as AK's only student and thus AK had a 100% success rate in this career.


Slightly different format. There will be 2 questions and the correct options when put together will give rise to two letters which form the initials of a famous Test Cricketer.

1. Which of the following equipment is NOT used while playing cricket:
                    (a) A bat
                    (b) A helmet
                    (c) A super elastic wrist band
                    (d) A pillow.

2. In the four cricketers listed below, who is a fast bowler:
                    (a) Sunny Gavaskar
                    (b) Dale Steyn
                    (c) Pope Gregory the XI
                    (d) Lionel Messi

If you have guessed the correct answer which is (d) and (b), you have won yourself an opportunity to guess the player who has those initials. So with the initials D & B, make a famous test player's name.
So, if you guessed Don Bradman - you got it WRONG.
David Boon - Throw yourself in a gutter.
Doggie Bollinger - You're mad.
The right answer is:
Dennis Brookes. The star English batsman has played 1 test in which he scored a magnificent 17 in both innings combined. Beat that!!

Bye bye! 

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

What it means to practice at Lord's

After seeing a depressing first two tests as an Indian Cricket fan, let me tell you some things that have never been told to you anytime in your life...

    1. Sachin and son.
As mentioned by various sources in the press, Sachin Tendulkar (or at least that's what the public addresses him as)(Who knows his name might be different)(He might be a spy for the Russian Navy)(Or may be an ancient immortal Fakir who uses magic while playing cricket)(or just a messenger of God)(or an Indian Cricketer)(Anyway, it doesn't matter in this context), has been reported to have been allegedly practicing at Lord's for the past couple of months (Often with his son)(Seldom with Monty Penesar), commuting everyday from his luxurious flat in Regents' Park. He said in an imaginary interview with me, "I am passing all my knowledge about cricket to my extremely talented son. He is likely to go far as a cricketer." Though I did not at that moment understand that passing on means that the knowledge his been given to his son and he no longer possesses it. Which can explain his failure in the Lord's test.

    2. Training at Lord's
Lord's is a peculiar cricket ground. Don't ask me why, I just added that sentence to attract more readers. Anyway, the Englishmen have a strange way to practice at Lord's. The entire team flock at the nursery ground which is behind the media centre like dogs flocking around the last sausage in the world, trying to snatch it from each other, only to find that it had already been eaten. The English players line up, while the couch stands on top of the Media Centre perching on top of it like a medieval Edinburgh knight perching from his hideout. He has a bat in his hand and each of the English players have a genuine leather ball in theirs. So, all these English players (even KP, though he is South African) must climb their way on top of it, hand the ball over the the coach and jump down. The coach will then hit the ball flying into the air, and the player who jumps down, must charge (not as in mobile cell phone charge) towards it and catch it. If he fails to do so, his face will be dipped in a barrel containing pickled oranges. Exception: While all the players have to climb their way up, in the 1980's, Chris Tavare would handily use the recently installed elevator.

    3. The Ghost of WG.
Sachin Tendulkar cribs a lot. He got tired of staying at home and decided to stay with the rest of the team for a change. This time, he got bored of it and decided to go home. And by home he meant - The home of cricket - Lord's. As he was about to fall asleep, he saw the ghost of WG. He decided to follow it and by morning, he found himself in a pile of fake beards.

That concludes my blog for today. OH WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT!! 


For the compete guide of the PPCQ and the rules and regulations, click here.

Today's question:

Q) When will Episode for of PPCQ be posted?
HINT: I don't know the answer to this myself.

  • Late Febtember.
  • Yesterday.
  • None of the above.
  • All of the above.
 And the correct option was: None of the above. Actually if patience was an option, then that would have been the right answer.

If you have got it right, then you have won yourself a ONCE-IN-A-LIFE-TIME-OPPORTUNITY TO READ THIS BLOG ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

Congratulations to all those who got it right.

Cheers to everyone else.